Saving You From Yourself

I nominate Kinsolving, Troy Dunn, Pam Slaton, Search Quest, Worldwide Tracers, OmniTrace and all other so-called "professional searchers" who have for years, unchallenged and unregu­lated, engaged in the worst kind of vulture capitalism, price-gouging, exploitation, and manipu­lation, and who have made literally millions of dollars off of the pain and heartache of adopted persons and those who are searching for them, people who, for too long already, have been unfairly disenfranchised and discriminated against by the adoption industry and state laws sealing birth records. To do so unabashedly, all the while mouthing platitudes of support and lip service to adoptee rights to OBCs - their identity, family history, heritage and the identity of those to whom they are blood related - and engaging in offensive self-aggrandizing and self-promoting television programs without informing their victims that there are many search and support groups with no or minimal fees and hundreds of search angels all over the country who charge nothing and have just as great, or better, success rates, is deserving of a group Demons of Adoption Award. – Nomination for Sixth Annual Demons in Adoption Award, PoundPupLegacy.org

One of the great things about being an independent, free agent (in every sense of the word) Search Angel is the ability to remove myself from associating with the unsavory underworld of adoption.  I refuse to, knowingly, have anything to do with any organization or individual who profits from adoption by trafficking babies and children, such as adoption agencies and lawyers, or paid search companies who exploit adoptees and those who love them.   If you’re here reading my blog, it’s obviously too late to save you from being victimized by the former, but here’s hoping I can save many thousands of you from losing your hard-earned money to the latter.

There are two kinds of paid searchers:  The pay-up-front, no guaranty, such as OmniTrace, WorldWide Tracers, and Search Quest America (which I understand are all tied together financially or have extensive cooperation agreements) and the no-find/no fee firms such as Kinsolving and Pamela Slaton.  Frankly, I don’t have as much of a problem with these two companies, which charge fees upwards of $2,500 to $4,000, because at least they only get their money if they make a successful conclusion to the search.  My only difficulty with them is that they are not fully honest with searchers and inform them of all of their options.

On the other hand, I do not have one merciful or tolerating word for the pay-up-front, no guaranty companies.  I wish people who are considering signing contracts with these firms would do a little research.  Just Googling the company name in quotation marks along with the word “complaint” will bring an eye-opening education, and one will quickly learn that the ethics of these businesses are appalling and that they’re even in cahoots with each other.   For example, I have been credibly informed that, although Troy Dunn claims he is not in the search business any longer, everyone who puts their contact information on his site is immediately referred to Search Quest America, which is run by Susan Friel Williams, a former Dunn employee.  There are also compelling allegations that Dunn receives a kickback for every victim SQA signs up, which he has apparently denied.

Here’s how these companies operate:  First, they get referrals by harvesting contact information from on-line adoption registries that have public contact information.  They have also spent years scouring the Internet, harvesting sites and have formed their own new registries to entice victims.  These searchers will then be contacted by sales marketers who will make grandiose promises and pressure them into signing contracts for minimum fees of $1,500, which are good for only six months and for which there is no promise or guaranty of a completed “result.”  These marketing agents adhere to strict company guidelines to persuade the victims to sign.  For example, they are not allowed to inform searchers of all their alternatives (i.e., that they can get their original birth certificate in certain states, that they should sign up with ISRR – International Soundex Reunion Registry – the largest free on-line registry in the world) or tell them that there is free, competent, very successful help available in search and support groups and through independent search angels.  We have even heard of instances where they have falsely told the victims that they "have no option" but to hire them.  Even if they know a case is fairly easily solved (something anyone reasonably savvy on the computer can do by themselves in a few minutes), the marketing agents will push the victim to sign up and pay the full fee, thus boosting the company’s "success stories" with easy searches.  Even worse, the sales reps know there are cases that cannot possibly be solved (black/grey market adoptions, or private adoptions where there is no birth name and no non-identifying information), yet sign them up anyway just to get the $1,500 non-refundable fee.

Whenever a consumer who is vulnerable, in confusion and distress,

is not fully and honestly informed of all their options,

it is exploitation!

The amount of money these companies have been ripping off people is staggering.  Just an example, an employee of Search Quest America recently slipped up in an on-line forum and declared that the company had “302,000” clients.  Accounting for an errant ‘2’ in there (the message was obviously typed in angry haste), I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they have 30,000 clients.  In a recent press release, Williams wrote, Since the company was founded in 2008, over two thousand families have been reunited!  For the sake of expediency, I am willing to round that up to 3,000.  Subtracting 3,000 from 30,000, then, would leave us a figure of 27,000 clients whose cases have apparently not yet been resolved.  Then is it reasonable to assume that, at $1,500 each, SQA has raked in $45,000,000 to solve 3,000 cases?  (!!)  I wonder if the IRS is aware of this?  Even just considering the solved cases, it comes out to $4,500,000.  Pamela Slaton on her website claims, I have solved over 3000 cases to date.  Her fees range from $2,000-$2,500.  Again, using the minimum fee, that comes to $6,000,000.

I have been saying for years, if we had put just half of the money and effort that we have been giving to these unsavory rip-off artists over the years into adoptee rights and efforts in state legislatures to unseal original birth certificates, we would have been over and done 20 years ago!

What is a Search Angel?
A “search angel” is someone who gives of their time and expertise, without charge, to help people separated from family and lost loved ones by adoption, foster care, divorce, and alienation, to find their information and reconnect, if they choose. We are men and women of all ages and from all socio-economic strata. Some of us are members of the adoption community – adoptees, mothers of loss, grandparents, siblings – and some of us are just concerned genealogists and researchers who have not been touched by adoption, but understand and appreciate the importance of the work. Thanks to the wealth of publicly accessible information now on databases on the Internet, virtually everything we do can be done on the computer with an occasional contact with a library or other public record facility.

Why do we do this work?
We are united in our belief that every human being has a right to their identity, family history, heritage and the identity of those to whom they are blood related. However, for adoptees, this presents a unique problem. There are an estimated six to seven million adopted persons in the United States. Most of these were babies and children who were adopted under “closed and sealed” adoptions, meaning their original birth certificates and other identifying information are filed away under lock and key in state capitals or court or agency records. In 43 states adoptees – and only adoptees - are forbidden by archaic, outmoded laws from accessing this information – their very own personal information. Yet, every year, as the importance of knowing one’s genetic and health history is generally recognized, and simply because they rightfully believe they have a right to know, more and more thousands are beginning to search for knowledge about themselves and their origins. Unfortunately, until now, many thousands have been exploited and ripped-off by highly publicized professional search companies who prey upon adoptees’ naivety and vulnerability and have charged thousands of dollars, many times with no results, nothing to show for the money lost. These professional companies then had the funds to advertise and promote themselves, thus reeling in more victims and perpetuating the vicious cycle.

The recognition of the Search Angel is dawning.
Quietly working away for over thirty years have been hundreds of search and support groups all over the country, in person and on-line, with very successful search angels who have solved hundreds of thousands of cases. Until the advent of the Internet and social networking, we have not had the organization or funds to make our availability known.

New search angels joining the fold.
We are delighted to receive inquiries daily from people asking how they can become a search angel and join the network. We are working toward developing programs to assist these new angels, such as training webinars, networking, and groups for sharing expertise and guidance.

Excerpt from Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard's National Apology for Forced Adoptions, delivered on March 22, 2013

  Today, this Parliament, on behalf of the Australian people, takes responsibility and apologises for the policies and practices that forced the separation of mothers from their babies, which created a lifelong legacy of pain and suffering.
  We acknowledge the profound effects of these policies and practices on fathers.
  And we recognise the hurt these actions caused to brothers and sisters, grandparents, partners and extended family members.
  We deplore the shameful practices that denied you, the mothers, your fundamental rights and responsibilities to love and care for your children. You were not legally or socially acknowledged as their mothers. And you were yourselves deprived of care and support.
  To you, the mothers who were betrayed by a system that gave you no choice and subjected you to manipulation, mistreatment and malpractice, we apologise.
  We say sorry to you, the mothers who were denied knowledge of your rights, which meant you could not provide informed consent. You were given false assurances. You were forced to endure the coercion and brutality of practices that were unethical, dishonest and in many cases illegal.
  We know you have suffered enduring effects from these practices forced upon you by others. For the loss, the grief, the disempowerment, the stigmatisation and the guilt, we say sorry.
  To each of you who were adopted or removed, who were led to believe your mother had rejected you and who were denied the opportunity to grow up with your family and community of origin and to connect with your culture, we say sorry.
  We apologise to the sons and daughters who grew up not knowing how much you were wanted and loved.
  We acknowledge that many of you still experience a constant struggle with identity, uncertainty and loss, and feel a persistent tension between loyalty to one family and yearning for another.
  To you, the fathers, who were excluded from the lives of your children and deprived of the dignity of recognition on your children's birth records, we say sorry. We acknowledge your loss and grief.
  We recognise that the consequences of forced adoption practices continue to resonate through many, many lives. To you, the siblings, grandparents, partners and other family members who have shared in the pain and suffering of your loved ones or who were unable to share their lives, we say sorry.
  Many are still grieving. Some families will be lost to one another forever. To those of you who face the difficulties of reconnecting with family and establishing on-going relationships, we say sorry.
  We offer this apology in the hope that it will assist your healing and in order to shine a light on a dark period of our nation's history.
  To those who have fought for the truth to be heard, we hear you now. We acknowledge that many of you have suffered in silence for far too long.
  We are saddened that many others are no longer here to share this moment. In particular, we remember those affected by these practices who took their own lives. Our profound sympathies go to their families.
  To redress the shameful mistakes of the past, we are committed to ensuring that all those affected get the help they need, including access to specialist counselling services and support, the ability to find the truth in freely available records and assistance in reconnecting with lost family.
  We resolve, as a nation, to do all in our power to make sure these practices are never repeated. In facing future challenges, we will remember the lessons of family separation. Our focus will be on protecting the fundamental rights of children and on the importance of the child's right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.
  With profound sadness and remorse, we offer you all our unreserved apology.
  This Apology is extended in good faith and deep humility.
  It will be a profound act of moral insight by a nation searching its conscience.
  It will stand in the name of all Australians as a sign of our willingness to right an old wrong and face a hard truth.

A Right to Know: The Fight for Adoptee Access

Legislators from several states discuss the issue of providing adopted citizens access to their original birth certificates - followed by 'opening days' in four states: Massachusetts, Illinois, New Hampshire, and Maine, as adoptees are finally provided equal access to records. A film by Jean Strauss/Silver Tandem Productions, copyright 2011. Music licensing by Magnatune Records. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJAReUj1Uo4

Talking Points for Adult Adoptee Access Day, 7-2-12, Providence, RI

By Steven M. Costantino, Secretary, Executive Office of Health & Human Services

Knowing where you come from.

It provides you with a sense of place, a sense of grace, a face that resembles at least some other members of your family.

Knowing where you come from.

It anchors you to your past and poses new possibilities for the future.

 Very soon, thanks to Senator Perry and Representative Carnevale, thanks to Governor Chafee, and thanks to Access Rhode Island and other advocates, many adoptees 25 and older will have a moment in time to cherish, to celebrate.  They will have that anchor to the past in the form of a non-certified copy of their original birth certificate.

 On behalf of Dr. Fine, the director of the Department of Health—one of the four departments of the Executive Office of Health & Human Services—I want to express appreciation to everyone staffing the Office of Vital Records here at HEALTH.  They have worked enormously hard to research certificates for those who have applied ahead of time, to prepare birth certificates for mailing, as requested, and to ensure that certificates that will be picked up in person are ready and waiting.

 I also wish to mention our Department of Children, Youth & Families whose staff works vigorously to facilitate successful adoptions of children who are in state care.

 This legislation signed by Governor Chafee provides adult adoptees with a passport to the past.  Whether the adults who were babies at least 25 years ago will want to pursue reunions, or whether the birth mothers and fathers will be receptive, are personal decisions.  

 But these birth certificates—these passports to the past—empower the recipients to uncover their identities, their nationalities, and to discover the very core of who they are.  In some cases, they will have valuable medical history information as well.

 It provides another dimension to their experiences with the families who chose them, and closes gaps in their existence.  It’s another affirmation of civil rights, human rights, justice.

 It’s a time for celebration and we acknowledge all here today who are responsible for the passage of this significant piece of legislation, along with the first of many who finally and rightfully receive their birth certificates.  Thank you.

Mothers’ Day

First Lady Michelle Obama

The White House

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW

Washington, DC  20500

Dear Mrs. Obama ~~

Happy Mother’s Day!

I am a mother who lost her child to adoption.  It was in early 1964 I found myself pregnant; the father refused to help and abandoned me.  I was afraid to tell my family because I knew my strict, Polish-Catholic stepfather would make life unbearable for my mother, so I approached my employer to ask for guidance, and he referred me to an adoption agency.  No one ever gave me any hope that I could keep my baby.  Not once was any suggestion other than adoption discussed.  It was understood that I had to hide in shame and suffer for what I had done.  It wasn’t until years later that I realized I had done nothing but trust my boyfriend when he promised he loved me and would take care of me.

The agency found a place for me in a “wage home” in the next town over where I lived for six months as housekeeper, cook, and babysitter for $10 a week plus room and board.  Other than friendship with two other unwed mothers, I was alone and depressed and afraid.  I had prenatal care, but nothing prepared me for what was to happen.

On the day I went into labor, I was unceremoniously dropped off at the hospital by my employer’s boyfriend.  I was stripped of my clothing and possessions, placed in a windowless, empty four-bed ward and told to stay put and not come out.  How long I was there I have no idea.  There was no clock, no phone, no radio, no visitors other than medical personnel who would come and check my progress.  No words were spoken other than to the effect of, “Well, aren’t you proud of yourself now?  Look where your slutty ways have landed you!”  When my water broke, I didn’t know what was happening.  I went to the door and called for help.  The nurse (a nun) came running down the hall yelling at me to “Get back in there!  There are ‘decent’ women here having babies!”  Then angrily, “Look at this mess you’ve made!”

On the last visit, the medic (a doctor? nurse?) decided that I was dilated enough.  I was given a shot, wheeled to the delivery room and immediately put to sleep.  I woke up in a dark private room (there might have been restraints on my arms – I don’t remember).  I had no idea what day it was, whether my baby was alive, healthy, was a boy or a girl.  And I was told to not ask questions.  I had no right to know anything about my baby.  Sometime later the candy-striper brought the most beautiful little baby to me wrapped in a pink blanket.  I thought I was dreaming! “Here,” she said.  “This is your baby.”  I can still remember 46 years later all the feelings that went through me – joy, awe,  relief, sadness, fear -- when the nun suddenly burst into my room and literally snatched my beautiful daughter out of my arms.  “You were not supposed to see this baby!”

Thankfully, at that moment my doctor walked in (Dr. Barney Bowlin – I will bless his name forever) and said, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, sister, let her see her baby!  Let her ‘count the fingers and toes’.  She’s not in any condition to run away with her!”  I am grateful for the time I got to spend with my daughter.  I was able to whisper in her ear how much I love her and the reasons society had decreed we could not be together.  I named her “Donna Michelle” after her father.  Then they took her away, forever, and the nun began to lecture me.  “Now you must go home and get back to your life and forget about this baby.  You will marry and have more children.  Don’t ever tell anyone, especially not a potential husband, what you’ve done because no ‘decent’ man will want to have anything to do with you.”

When I protested and begged for some way to keep my daughter, I was told I was being selfish and inconsiderate.  There were married couples who could not have children, who would love my baby and provide her with everything I could not – a good home, care, and education.  With an ‘illegitimate child’ I would not be able to find a job.  “You won’t be able to take care of yourself, let alone a baby!  You’ll have to become a waitress or ‘walk the streets’!  What kind of life is that for a child?!”  I was told if I wanted to keep her, I would have to pay our entire hospital bill before I could take her from the hospital and the charges would increase by $5 a day for every day I could not pay.  If I kept my part and gave her up, the agency would pay the bill.   (In fact, I did pay the agency back every penny.  It took me over a year, and I paid my own doctor bill, too.)

Three days later I signed the papers in the agency office.  I could not see what I was signing because my eyes were filled with tears.  I was never given copies of anything I signed, but I do remember seeing or being told that I would face criminal charges if I ever tried to find my daughter or interfere in her new life.  I remember begging the social worker for some assurance that, if she wanted to know me, she would be given information about me and be able to find me.  (I found out later that many other mothers were promised the same thing, and even advised to keep a phone listing in our maiden names, but we came to find out it was all lies – the records were sealed forever in all states but Kansas – and adoptees would never be legally entitled to know their identities or ours.)

I did try to go on with my life, but as a mother I’m sure you know how impossible it was to forget about my baby.  I moved 2,500 miles away because everywhere I went I would see happy women with babies and I would wonder if it was my daughter they were mothering.  There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about her.  Even five years later, my loss tainted the joy I felt when I gave birth to my precious second daughter.  Every moment of happiness was followed by many moments of questions.  I wonder where/how Donna is.  Did she look/act the same at this age?  Will we ever see her again?  I’m sure unconsciously I clung to my second child a little too much, was too protective and hysterical for fear I would lose her, too.  I also had a nagging sense of insecurity, low self-esteem and self-loathing.  I was a bad person.  I was not worthy of anyone loving me or being a mother because of the terrible thing I had done.  It has taken many years of self-analyzing, praying, studying, and enlightenment to realize none of that was true.  In fact, I’ve probably gone overboard now and become a super-achiever to prove them all false.  Still I mourn the loss of my daughter – what might have been -- and future generations – I was deprived of being her mother and a grandmother to her children and perhaps even great-grandma.

Yet, I am here to testify that, although we have been deprived of the mother-child relationship, physically and genetically, I am her mother.  I always was and will be into eternity.  I am not a “birthmother”, a “first mother”, “natural mother” or “tummy mommy” or any other qualification.  I am a mother who lost her child to adoption.

So, why am I writing to you – along with, I know, many others of my sister mothers of loss?  Because we hope you will help us tell the world how wrong infant adoption is.  That separating mothers and babies should be a last resort and we, as families, churches, and communities, should instead be working to help these young women become better mothers and insisting that fathers step up to their responsibility, as well.  We need to understand the terrible damage it will potentially cause to both the mothers and babies, and that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary predicament.

We also want to draw attention to the fact that millions of adult adoptees are still subjected to archaic, ridiculous laws that deny them from getting their original birth certificates, particularly poignant in President Obama’s life at this time.  Adopted persons in all but six states are barred from knowing their original identity, their family history, heritage, genetics, health information.  People 50, 60, 70+ years old are cruelly denied the most basic information about their existence and told by nasty bureaucrats and politicians that they can never know who they are or those to whom they are blood related.  These laws were instigated back in the 1930s by the infamous Georgia Tann, the woman who was charged with snatching and selling thousands of babies and who changed the face of adoption forever, and were designed solely to protect the adoptive families and hide the adoptee from the stigma of illegitimacy.  Now today we are coming face to face with the awful ramifications these decades of secrecy and lies have wrecked upon our families and society.

Finally, we hope you will reach out to other mothers of loss who have been hiding in fear and shame, who perhaps never told their families, or who are waiting in silence, too timid to come forward and proclaim their motherhood.  We understand.  We know the experience and the remaining years after have been painful, with terrible damage to our emotional and physical wellbeing.  There are many who are afraid their sons and daughters are angry and resentful.  “Why did you abandon me?”  These adoptees don’t understand why or how and assume it must have been because we didn’t want them.  There is a lot of educating that needs to be done about the way life was for pregnant, single girls.  There are many mothers who are afraid of “opening old wounds” and reliving the past, but we are here as testament that it must be done for healing to begin.  There are thousands of us here to support and love them through it.

As a search angel, I have helped about 300 families reunite over the past four years.  Here is what one of the mothers I found wrote to me just this morning:

  “I just wanted to say thank you to you for finding me! … My love for and my bonding with [my son], I believe, started at that conversation. Then I received a picture of him and his wife and I was just thrilled! I recently met him in person and am very proud to claim him as mine!

  “The Christmas of 2010, I received the best present I've ever received; the gift of a son! Not only a son, but I have two wonderful grandchildren! So, when I say thank you, it seems woefully inadequate. You've changed my life! I've never been happier. Thank you for finding me!”

Fortunately, this woman is typical of mothers of loss-in waiting.  More than 95% are delighted to be found, giving proof that the adoption industry is lying when they claim that we mothers want to remain in anonymity and privacy.

It’s time to blow the lid of secrecy and lies off of the adoption industry, and we look to you as First Lady – our Nation’s leading mother – to help.  Thank you for giving your time and attention to our cause.

With sincere best wishes for you and your family,

Priscilla Sharp

Mother of Loss ’64, Reunited ‘86

Now Search Angel/Genealogist/Adoptee Rights Advocate

Mothers of Loss (to Adoption) on Facebook